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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28845957">Molchat Doma</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>mcyt, nsfwmcyt, problematic - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>I don’t want to be part of this community anymore, I genuinely don’t know how to explain, It’s fucked up what happened to me, Like I have no reasoning for enjoying problematic mcyt shit, Other, Projecting.. but also a message of sorts I suppose, i just want to be okay, im sorry, its fucked up, vent - Freeform, warning for self harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:47:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>660</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28845957</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>One of my experiences vented into a sort of explanation, on my part, for why I ended up being a part of the problematic/nsfw mcyt side of the fandom. It’s not okay. I’m not okay. I’m still trying to understand myself. I sympathize with some of the people I’ve met there, with the few friends I’d made there. And I’m sorry. I don’t know who that’s aimed at, everybody, I guess.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clay | Dream/TommyInnit, Dave | Technoblade/TommyInnit, None, Phil Watson/TommyInnit, Sorry, Toby Smith | Tubbo/TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot/TommyInnit, ew - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Molchat Doma</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When had it come to this.</p>
<p>Blood dripped, heart wrenching, tears spilling. Overflowing, it felt as though his chest were overflowing. His hand squeezed his shirt, on his chest, seeming almost in physical pain. Well, aside from the bleeding cuts on his arm, the blood that welled on his forehead. His eyes wide and frantic, panic.</p>
<p>What’s wrong with me, what is wrong with me, what is WRONG WITH ME-!</p>
<p>He sobbed. Why, why, why, why. </p>
<p>He’d been hurt, he was hurt, why him? Why did he have to stumble across it, why did he meet those people, those people, those people, them..</p>
<p>His heart sobbed and his head throbbed, he tried to ignore the endless words of threats and fury. He brought it upon himself, why’d he done it? It was his fault, why did he write it, let alone post it?</p>
<p>Please.</p>
<p>What’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with me. </p>
<p>Another cut, another drop, another slam, another blackout.</p>
<p>What happened to him? Why couldn’t he remember-? </p>
<p>He remembered a face, that hand, being shoved, screaming, hands on him-? When was this? What happened to him? Why couldn’t he remember, what can’t I remember? It wasn’t abuse, nothing happened, nothing happened-!</p>
<p>Another thud, stars clouding his vision. </p>
<p>Why did he talk to those people? Why did he write those things? Why didn’t my parents protect me? Who hurt you? He cried, wrapping his arms around himself.</p>
<p>Something happened, an experience that required his brain into a fucked up visual of strung up ideas and horrific visions. </p>
<p>The intrusive thoughts flashed in his mind once more.</p>
<p>What are your thoughts? Do you genuinely fucking like this shit?</p>
<p>I WOULD NEVER HURT ANYBODY- YOU ALREADY DID. They’d all leave if they knew, I’m horrible, horrible, horrible-</p>
<p>Slam.</p>
<p>I’d never dream of hurting others like that-</p>
<p>BUT YOU ALREADY DO, DONT YOU? HAHA, YOU DO, YOU DO</p>
<p>I D O NT, THOSE ARENT MY THOUGHTS, I DONT WANT THAT, PLEASE STOP, GO AWAY, YOU WANT TO, SHUT UP!! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!</p>
<p>‘Fuck you’ ‘We’ll never forgive you’ ‘Fucking disgusting’ ‘fucking kill yourself’ </p>
<p>He didn’t mean to, he didn’t mean to, please- his hands were clutched through his hair, he pulled, practically ripping it out. Why did he do it? Why did reading others stories comfort him, why did they make him feel safe yet terrified? What was wrong with him, what was wrong with him, what was wrong with him-!</p>
<p>Something he couldn’t remember, hands that tainted him, stained him their ugly colors forever. Maybe that’s why he was stained now, was ugly now, ugly thoughts, ugly ideas, ugly actions, why would he write that? Why did he post it? Why did it comfort him? Why, why, WHY, W H Y-!!!</p>
<p>...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He breathed shakily, setting the knife aside. Hours, it had been hours. It’s wrong, it’s genuinely wrong, why had he.. why was he... </p>
<p>He inhaled weakly, trembling, as he reached for his phone. That discord server... that fucking server.... why would he go back? To frolic among others wallowing in the same pain? To traverse the trauma that wound around him in cuts and bruises, an endless story of pain and turmoil that permanently left its mark in him, his body, his brain. </p>
<p>Maybe he’d vent, speak to those who’d been littered with the same marks of unspeakable traumas. Maybe he’d sink further into his pit of self pity and pain, indulge in forbidden and disgusting ideas, the very thing from those past people that stained him to begin with. How does a child pull himself from this hole that had been carved for him? </p>
<p>After all, that’s all he was. A child.. a child with no money to get help, no parent to turn to.. nobody but those other stained people from their own depths of trauma, people who stumbled through murky waters in a dark place and held each other through their despair.</p>
<p>Despair..</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I don’t plan on posting any such nsfw works like that again. I cant rewire my brain, but I can keep that out of everybody else’s brains. Nobody deserves assault, nobody deserves pain the like that some people have experienced. I didn’t deserve any of that.. I still can’t fully process what happened to me. But I’m sorry, to the non problematic people who are respectful, to the ones who told me to kill myself, to the problematic side as well, to the friends that I’ve made, to the CC’s themselves. I cant ever apologize enough. In the end, we’re all people and everybody gets hurt. Nobody deserves anymore. </p>
<p>If anybody actually ends up reading all this, thanks, I guess. Please drink some water, take care of yourselves. 741-741 is a crisis text line if anybody needs help. Whoever you are, I love you, thank you for reading, I suppose. Have a good day/night :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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